*sighs* I don't even know why I'm putting this up here, but it's driving me insane. Even if no one reads this, I felt that I need to get this off my chest. I just can't take it anymore..

For over half a year or so, I've been mostly estranged from my late mother's side of the family. Due to opposing opinions between my aunt and I (which I don't even have the strength to go into), I'm not even allowed near the state of Oregon anymore, according to her. She'd thought I'd be too much of a burden on my maternal grandmother there, and so, bitter and jaded by the events leading up to that separation, I allowed myself to stay away.

I won't lie. Despite my somewhat sullen acquiescence, it left me horribly depressed for a small number of months. The only thing that I can say that was the sole light of the situation came in the form of a very loving, young woman to cheer me up even when I couldn't even believe in myself to do even that. I'm glad that I can say that I was able to do the same for her for the most part, but unfortunately, tension stemmed once more between my mother's side of the family and I when they heard of the feud between my aunt and I. Sides were taken with a good percentage of the majority against me. Calls and e-mails were sent, and the stress in me began to build. I couldn't take it anymore, so, desperate, I did the only thing that I could to relieve myself of it. I isolated myself from everyone, family (regardless of whose side of the family they were from) excluding my immediate one, and close friends--even the most important one to me--for a period of three or four months.

For a time, I thought that everything was getting better. I thought that my removal from everyone and everything had taken much of the burden of whatever invisible weight had fallen upon my shoulders. It's said that life is a cruel mistress, and I can only agree..

I found out that my maternal grandmother suffered a massive stroke last Friday.

This isn't the first one for her, but from what I've heard, this one's far worse. The stroke caused internal bleeding inside her brain, especially in the left hemisphere. For those of you who know anything about biology or whatever, the left half of the brain controls the right side of one's body and vice versa. For the most part, the right side of her body is completely useless for now. The internal bleeding also did damage other damage to her. Breathing is a struggle for her, and she can no longer talk or speak. Doctors say that if she ever did recover, the journey leading up to it would be long and arduous, and there's a large possibility that she'll never be the same again.

I don't even know if the woman's awake right now, or if she's comatose. With my being estranged with that part of the family, it's hard to get information. It was actually my younger cousin who informed me of the event. While the older generation there is distant with me, I still get along rather well with those of my own generation and younger. Regardless, the reason why I'm concerned whether she's in a coma or not has a lot to do with what else I've been told.

My mother's side of the family is talking about letting her die.

As I said, this isn't the first one for her, however, in the aftermath of the last one, she's told her daughters that in the event that something like this should ever happen again, she didn't want to suffer, and she didn't want to be a burden on anyone.

I'll admit, I never did get along with that part of my family after my mother died. With their constant criticism and their constant struggle with me to conform me into the perfect image of their granddaughter, niece, or whatever, it's hard for me to be in the same room with a majority of my relatives. Regardless.. I'd never wish something like that on anyone, especially not the one woman who actually stood up for me even when her daughter tried to alienate me from her in her defense.

Most of the women on my mother's side of the family have had a history of strokes. God, I remember that far too well. My own mother died in combination of one and her high blood pressure. I was young, not quite yet into my pre-teen years when it happened, and it traumatized me for years afterwards though it had more to do with the fact that I was still in the room at the time when the doctors turned off her life support.. I remember standing there, watching in the arms of my grandfather and with other relatives present, as my mother, who had been comatose until then, woke and struggled for every last breath, writhing desperately, eyes rolled back in fear and perhaps inevitable acceptance, before dying.

The image's haunted me for years, and even now, it brings tears to my eyes and a tightening in my chest that steals my very breath from me.

It's a terrifying thing to think about. Strokes have taken so many from my mother's side of the family, and I can't help but think that it could possibly happen to me as well in the future with the same lingering affects: causing yet another divide in the family, leaving loved ones behind, and for those who survived you to mourn yet another woman who left the world far too soon.

The situation's also surreal for me. As old as my grandmother is, one sometimes has the mentality that individuals like grandparents will always be there. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way..

It scares me to think that my grandmother is so accepting of her death, that she's ready to die at a moment's notice. I really don't know whether to be relieved or horrified that my relatives are also willing to just let her pass on in such a way, but it does make one thing very much clear to me.

Events such as these really do make you realize your own mortality in the world..

EDIT: Maternal grandmother died June 12, 2009